Talking about money is almost always awkward—especially when it’s with a romantic partner. Perhaps that’s why so many people avoid it, sometimes for decades into their married lives. “Money is a huge source of shame,” says Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist and author of books including Start Thinking Rich: 21 Harsh Truths to Take You From Broke to Financial Freedom. “If you were to ask me about my net worth, or how big my 401(k) is, or what percentage of my income I’m saving or investing, I’m going to be anxious: ‘Do you think I should have more? Do you think I should have less? How am I stacking up here?’” he says.
Yet delaying the conversation is one of the biggest mistakes couples make. Ideally, Klontz says, people should start talking about money around the time they discuss whether they want to have children, where they envision themselves living, and other future-oriented topics. We asked experts for their favorite ways to broach the subject. 
“I’d love for us to feel completely aligned about money. Could we set aside some time to chat about our finances?”
This is a great way to bring up money with a significant other for the first time, says Alex King, an accountant and financial coach who’s the founder of the personal finance platform Generation Money. “Frame it as something collaborative you can tackle together,” he suggests. “You’re saying, ‘We’re a team—let’s get on the same page.’”
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It’s also helpful to acknowledge that money can be overwhelming, but that talking about it, especially early on, helps reduce stress in the long run. Make a plan to have the conversation when you’re both feeling relaxed, King advises.
“We’ve never really talked about our financial goals together. What’s something you’d love to do in the next five or 10 years that money could help us achieve?”
Another way to open a conversation about money is to use it as an opportunity to work toward a common goal. Maybe that means saving to buy a house in a certain neighborhood, take a bucket-list vacation together, or dine at a special restaurant once a month. “It really gets the buy-in of the other person, because it’s like, ‘Oh, here’s something we’re on a journey towards together,’” King says. Plus, you can deliver it in a neutral, casual way, which takes some of the pressure off an otherwise weighty subject.
“What was money like for you growing up?”
Feelings and beliefs around money are shaped in large part by childhood experiences. That’s why Klontz recommends asking your partner what their socioeconomic status was—and how they felt about it. You can get even more specific as the conversation progresses: “What are your earliest, most painful, and most joyful memories around money?”
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You might learn, for example, that your significant other grew up poor and wasn’t able to wear the same brand-name clothes as other kids to high school. “Now instead of being irritated that they like to spend money on clothes and bags, there’s this deep-rooted feeling of connection,” he says. “It shifts everything, because otherwise you’re just annoyed at the credit-card bills.”
“Next time we go out for dinner or do X, shall we agree on our budget ahead of time?”
When one partner is worried about overspending, a common mistake is to try to pull the plug on discretionary activities. “It immediately becomes a negative conversation,” King says. Instead, he suggests approaching the matter as being more intentional about when and where you spend your money. Rather than staying home, for example, you could look through the menu before meeting up with friends at a restaurant, and agree on how much you’ll spend. “You’re not taking anything off the table,” he says. “You’re saying, ‘We’re still going to do this together—we’re just going to be a little more mindful about how much we spend when we do that activity or go to that place.’”
“How do we want to create a financial system that works for both of us?”
Before getting married, it’s important to talk about decisions like whether you’ll have joint or separate bank accounts (or both). Be vulnerable during the conversation, and ask your partner what scares them about merging your financial lives—and what arrangement will make them feel safe and secure. That helps build emotional intimacy, says Aja Evans, a financial therapist in New York. “You become closer when you feel like you can trust this person to have these kinds of conversations.”
“I want us to be open about money, so I’d love to share a little more about myself and my financial past.”
If you filed for bankruptcy before meeting your partner—or feel shame around something else in your financial past—you might be nervous about revealing it. Evans suggests scheduling the conversation: “Hey, I’d love to talk about money on this day at this time.” That way, both people can be in the right mindset. When you start talking, Evans suggests using an “I” statement: “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I want to be transparent and build a relationship around healthy communication.” It’s also a good idea to tell your partner you’re scared to open up, she adds, but that you hope you can both be honest and support each other as you navigate money issues.
“I love you so much, but right now, I can’t swing that vacation.”
At some point, you might need to opt out of an activity you wish you could participate in. Be candid, Evans suggests, and tell your partner it’s hard to admit that joining his family on a ski trip or attending her friend’s destination wedding simply isn’t in the cards financially. You might add: “I don’t want this to feel like a slight against our relationship. I want to be able to show up—it hurts me to not be able to be there.” That’s more effective than getting defensive because you’re embarrassed about the situation, she adds.
“Honey, I’ve been worried about our future and what’s going to happen if you’re not here. I’d love to have a conversation about our estate planning.”
No one lives forever—and while it might feel morbid, estate planning is one of the most important topics Evans urges couples to discuss. “It’s really important that both parties know what’s going on with the money, where the money is, and what the plan is,” she says. “You can build this beautiful life together, and also make sure each one of you is taken care of if something happens to the other spouse.”
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Another way in, Evans adds, is to emphasize that these conversations will benefit the people you care about most. “I’ve been thinking about what’s going to happen to the kids if anything ever happens to us,” you might say. “Let’s have a conversation about our wishes, so they don’t have a hard time figuring it out if something drastic happens.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
