If you love someone, learn how to fight with them. That’s the best advice Krystal Mazzola Wood, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Phoenix, gives the couples she works with. “It makes all the difference in the world,” she says. “Most of us don’t innately have the skills to communicate well when we’re feeling overwhelmed or unheard, because we literally go into fight-or-flight mode. We have to actively practice how to communicate well during a conflict to protect and strengthen the relationship.”
That includes having a handful of go-to phrases in your back pocket to deploy when things get heated. We asked experts what to say during your next fight with your partner—and how it might help you find your way back to each other. 
“You’re right about ___.”
Couples often land in Mazzola Wood’s office because, when they argue, they get stuck on who’s right and who’s wrong. They tend to especially fixate on “perceiving themselves as correct,” she says. “That makes the other person feel completely unheard and unseen, which encourages them to get defensive and argue back.” There’s a better way: Instead of ruminating over how you’re going to prove your point, draw attention to something your partner said that you agree with. That will help diffuse the tension and remind both of you that you’re on the same team, she says.
“I’m sorry for ___.”
Apologizing for your role in an argument—which doesn’t mean taking all of the blame—is a shortcut to a peaceful resolution. “When someone hears an apology, they automatically soften,” Mazzola Wood says. “I always think about giving the love that we want to receive.” Be specific (and genuine) about what you’re apologizing for, she urges, looking your partner in the eye and speaking from the heart. Don’t try to justify your behavior, minimize your partner’s feelings, or guilt-trip them. It’s also a good idea to steer clear of quasi-apologies, like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry, but,” which is more offensive than saying nothing at all.
Read More: 8 Ways to Apologize Well
“I hear you saying ___. Did I understand that right?”
This is an effective way to shift the conversation from confrontation and defensiveness to connection and understanding—while helping prevent miscommunications. “It lets your partner know you’re not just waiting for your chance to respond,” says Molly Burrets, a couples therapist and adjunct professor in the marriage and family therapy department at the University of Southern California. “You’re interested in hearing and understanding their perspective, which creates a safe space for vulnerability.” If your partner feels like you’re truly listening to them, they’ll be less likely to keep arguing, she adds—and you’ll be back on good terms in no time.
“What I need is ___.”
When you’re specific about non-negotiables, you move toward solving the problem, rather than bickering over who’s to blame. That might mean explaining that you expect your significant other to take out the trash every Sunday night or help clean up after dinner. “I often see people expecting their partner to read their mind, and they’re filled with resentment,” Mazzola Wood says. “They say things like, ‘You should just know that the dishes need to be washed—we live in the same house.’” That might be true, but supplying constructive feedback about what will help you feel supported is more likely to result in a desirable outcome than berating your significant other (or staying silent and hoping they change).
“It’s not me against you—it’s us against this problem.”
Steven Sizemore, a psychotherapist in the Houston area, recommends reframing conflicts as a shared challenge, rather than a battle between two opposing sides. Doing so “fosters collaboration, reduces blame, and helps couples shift toward problem-solving together,” he says. Using “we” language emphasizes partnership and mutual support, Sizemore adds, which is a smart way to build healthy communication patterns and manage conflict with compassion.
“I think we should take a break and come back in 10 minutes.”
When you’re in the thick of a disagreement with someone you love, you probably won’t be thinking clearly, and you might even be tempted to flee. “There are people who leave the house and don’t come back for hours, and don’t tell their partner where they are,” Mazzola Wood says. “Or they double down, like, ‘We’re going to solve this now,’ even though neither person is in the headspace to do that.”
Read More: 14 Things to Say Besides ‘I Love You’
A better approach, she says, is to take a short break and agree on a time when you’ll return to the conversation. That can help alleviate anxiety without triggering a sense of abandonment. “When you take that break, it’s very important you self-soothe,” Mazzola Wood adds—maybe meditating or taking a warm shower—“and don’t fixate on why you’re right and they’re wrong.”
“Thank you for listening.”
Recognizing your partner’s efforts to be present and understanding during a fight will help both of you feel like you’re on the same page again. Research suggests that for every negative interaction during a conflict, happy, stable couples have at least five positive interactions during that disagreement. “That could be a gentle nod, keeping your body language open, or comments like ‘thank you for listening,’ because you’re affirming your partner and giving them positive reinforcement,” she says. “We all want to be seen and heard by our partner and not feel underappreciated.”
“Getting back on track with you is my priority.”
Many problems will persist throughout a relationship. If you’re an introvert and your partner is an extrovert, for example, you’ll probably keep bumping into concerns around different social needs. That means you need to develop the skills to negotiate around these types of conflicts in an ongoing way, Mazzola Wood says. Make it clear to your loved one that your relationship is the priority, rather than being attached to any one outcome. “Remind your partner that you’re on the same team and committed to getting back on track,” she says. “It brings you both back up for air from whatever is feeling so scary.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
